Where I’m At
I am standing in my bathroom power smoking some medicinal weed while doing laundry after just watching the movie of SEX AND THE CITY, over-bloated from drinking nothing but coffee for a week straight and going to see the show a married friend of mine is in who, coincidentally, is one of the women I am fucking.
I have no steady income right now, I think, as I stare in the mirror and realize that I constantly say my life has no focus when my focus is actually laser sharp; It’s just that once I admit that I indeed have focus, then I need to begin to utilize that to achieve what I want.
So, I lock myself in the bathroom of the house that I am subletting a room in and smoke weed morning noon and night trying to put off just one more day what I am going to have to inevitably face. Responsibility. Stamina. Focus. Courage.
People call what I did and do courageous. They say cliché things all the time like Wow, I could never be strong enough to just pack everything up and go or You’re so inspiring, the courage that you have to just completely change your life. But, if I’m so inspiring, than why aren’t you doing the same?
I don’t feel by moving from NY, the only place I have ever called home for 30 years, I proved any great leap of strength and honor. It came from two logical reasonings. When your car has stalled, get a new one. You’re only going to put thousands into something you’ll be rid of in a year anyway. And, the second, I got sick of reality. My patience of others has been terribly short lately and is getting shorter the older I get. My patience in life though, ironically, has set in motion a slow motion gaze at my life and appreciation of everything within it. But, the talk and the all-drive-no-acceleration fantasy that everyone “manifests” has made me slightly disgusted at people in general and mostly myself, the General of desire and procrastination.
So, I turned 30, and I said I was going to do something. And, as with everything, everyone supports you 100% because it’s sounds amazing. A person’s bold choices are something to give excuse to get drunk at bars over for a few weeks. What adventures can I have? I had dreams of Treasure Island and flying over the Caribbean with Jimmy Buffett and eating clams on the beaches with beautiful people all around me and money and success in my pocket.
Then, the talk started becoming action and the dream of it started fading, that tough-guy decision to kick ass, hop on the road and see what life brings. So, I did what most people do with dreams. I started making this dream so big that I would eventually scare myself to believe it’s too much to accomplish this late in the game. And, for months I did that. For months, I believed in only pure happiness. I constantly keep feuling the dream because I knew, sooner than later, I would abandon it as I did most of them. For months, I kept seesawing that plank and then one day, I realized that I was unable to scare myself enough to stop. One day, my mind rose up and said What The Hell. This is the time to decide.
So, I started telling everyone that I had made up my mind and that, this far into the game, I’m dead serious about it. People stopped enjoying the game at that point. Then, I bought my ticket and all that courteous support started turning to skepticism and fear and excuses. The world that I’ve lived in for almost 30 years and the people in it turned so dark when last winter came. I was going it completely alone. That’s when I knew I chose right. I knew because I finally made a choice with only myself in mind, something I have never done before.
I reduced my life to two suitcases, a large duffel bag, a backpack, computer and a guitar. I walked to the airport, stood in the middle of the runway and hitchhiked my way west.
And, now I am here, writing this for what seems no purpose than to pass time but always hoping someone will read this story and this dream that I’ve always had for all my life will really come true. I am ready for the responsibility, I just need the opportunity. Because it wasn’t courage that made me come. But, courage has made me last this long.