checking in…

by anthony

I have 32 days until I head to the west coast.  And, I am beginning to get more and more excited, also allowing myself to enjoy NY more and more (now that I’m leaving for real).

Lately, I have been really studying myself, my thoughts, my motivations and something occurred to me when I was writing this morning.  Most things I do not do in my life, I do not do out of fear.  But, as I presume how most people react, it is not a fear of failure.  It’s a fear of the task.  You see, whenever I make the decision to do something, my perfectionist, Virgo nature gets switched to overdrive and the smallest task, let’s say, dinner for 2 for instance, now becomes a gourmet 5-course meal.

Problem is, I do that with everything, and, more so in regards to my career and love.  I immediately, mostly unconsciously, create my initial dream into the absolute largest form it can take and then find enough excuses of why it’s an undertaking too great for where I am in my life.  I, in essence, convince myself through my over-analyzation, that something easily within my reach is too advanced, too intricate, too much responsibility for my talents and experience.  Every time.  So, then, once I believe that, I bargain with myself.  “I need to try something smaller first.”  More times than not, I don’t find anything smaller.  I sit staring catatonically at the dream I could have had and the dream that is now simply the object of my envy.  The rare occasions I do undertake something smaller, well…repeat pattern from the beginning.

It’s a much easier way to justify my melancholy.

But then I begin thinking, time moves slower than we think.  Evolving my mind, my spirituality, just my life in general takes a lot of time, and, the more I focus completely on who I want to be, the richer each day becomes, the longer it lasts.

So, for now, although I don’t know exactly what I’m doing, all I have to keep reminding myself of is to keep doing.  It’s a pretty high, thick wall.  But, I can finally see it cracking.  One brick at a time.  One foot in front of the other…

“Some days drag on too long.  Some days are over in a blink.  It is us who determine the rate at which time exists.”